woke up with a terrible headache.....
everywhere is aching badly......arms....legs...thighs....and not to say my sprained index finger.
Training was fun though...

slept at 5 am in the morning....just couldnt get to sleep....thought drinking will help....but just leads to more thinking.
Did i do something wrong? i dont know....the whole morning i was thnking....was that a right move.....fear swell up within me....frm the time i click on the send button till now....never one day i have a good nite rest....i don't know why...

Its just like the feeling....a bad feeling that something is going to happen. Its just a matter of them....i ask for it anyway....i'm slapping my own face with all this shit i've done. Wrong moves.....the feeling goes stronger....as each day past. As the day draws nearer.... me and my stupid brain of mine.....i wan an answer...and yet i dun wan it...so what the hell do i wan....fuck...

everything is so jumble up...fucking impatient guy.....can u just fucking wait?

every other things around me seems so insignificant now.....can't be bother much....its just like....would u even care about watching tv if u know dooms day is tomorrow? ahhh......i hate to regret....but fuck it......i am regretting now.....its a wrong move....

a wrong move in life can causes drastic outcome.....my meter is moving towards it.......

what is this supposed to mean......what have i done.....ahh...

fuck.

screw me.

i'm unplugging.........

It starts with)
One thing / I don know why
It doesn even matter how hard i try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
Its so unreal
Didn look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Im surprised it got so (far)
Things aren the way they were before
You wouldn even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming n confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling/i can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure
discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...

Silence is finally surrounding me.....
The sound of the falling pin can be deafening at times....
Loneliness my friend....u are finally here...
Been searching for you ever since that day you left....
I though i won't be seeing you again....
But ever since u left,
I've come to realise life around you is much more better,
much more real.
Everyday seems like a quesiton mark to me....
I don't know what is going to happen
I don't know what i'm going to expect
I don't know what i am going to do
A big "I don't know" to everything.
Can you help me?
I doubt so.
Recent events had been choking me.
My heartbeat can even be heard at times,
all the way to my throat.
I can't even have peaceful nites.
My brain just keep on thinking.

Research shown, brain works the same as the computer.
When it is fed with the neccessary information,
it will unleash its fullest potential.
But what about over-feeding?
Over feeding of computer with information,
will result in the whole system to slow down,
malfunction to certain programs.
When the computer is command to do too many things at the same time,
the system will go haywire,
system will hang,
worst case, system will just break down.

Break down............

And I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would you say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would you say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am....


Without my exisitance
maybe all of u all
ur life will be better
no one to irritate u pple
no one to pressure u pple
no one to stress u pple
no one to be so hypocritical to u all

maybe i should just disappear and ur life might just be better

Wtf......now what IS the fucking problem with my mum....
Whatever fuck shit is also my fault...maybe i'm just a born irritant, born into this world to be FUCK by everyone, to irritate everyone!! so fuck it!!! IF U HAVEN DONE UR PART ON FUCKING, DEN COM'ON AND GET OVER AND DONE WITH!
if everyime i'm going to be fuck when i step into the house, if i'm such a pain in the ass, THEN FUCKING TELL ME!!!! JUST FUCKING TELL ME AND U WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!! and it will be better for u! DUN HAVE TO WASTE UR FUCKING TIME ON ME. DUN HAVE TO BE STRESS OUT BY ME, BE PRESSURISE BY ME AND U DUN EVEN HAVE TO WASTE UR PRECIOUS MONEY ONE ME!!!! IN UR EYES I'M JUST A GUY WITHOUT ANY FUTURE, GOOD FOR NOTHING ASS. SO IF U DUN WAN ME U CAN JUST FUCKING SAY IT. yes i'm a FUCKING CHILDISH GUY WITH A FUCKING ATTITUDE AND A FUCKING CHARACTER!! DON'T TRY TO DISMISS THAT!! SO IF YOU DUN LIKE IT, DEN FUCK OFF! I'M BORN ALONE, HAD LIVE ALONE AND WILL DIE ALONE!!!!
FUCK IT!

Fucking cb.....................................................

FUCK THE LIFE! FUCK THE WORLD!

"When one bad incident happen, alot will follow"

This will form a endless chain of reaction. Someone just got to take the blame for it all.
To others, maybe he is the culprit. To some, he may be the victim.
The question is, who is that "some"?

What has he done to get all this?
Doesnt pay to be kind to everyone.
Who is the one that trust him?
Unlikely as he hardly trust anyone himself.

Other pple's pt of view, i'm not concern.
I'm only conern if YOU believe me.
But well, even if you don't,
its ok.
I've yet to earn anyone's trust, needless to say, yours.
Not blame will be put on you,
i know how it feels to be trap in the middle.
And in any cases, whereby this incident is going to change your point of view on me,
which eventually might change ur finally decision,
then.....well....nothing much i can do can i.

yes, this is a worry for me. In fact i'm VERY worried.
Not about the others.
Its only about u.

Everything seems rather foggy now.....
i can't see whats happening ahead of me...
can't seems to remember what happen behind me...
Been coughing non-stop the whole day....
throat is killing me....
endless flow of thoughts gone through my head....
what am i thinking of?
Lots of things.....
Atmosphere in school is rather tense for me....
don't seems to be interested in anything....
all i'm interested in...
is how are you...and how are u handling stuff....
do you need help? do you need me?
but whenever i see you, ur frens are surrounding you....
i felt happy for ya....for ur frens will be there when u need them....
yet i felt sad for myself...why can't i be like them to you...?
i very much want to talk to you....but i can't.....you should know why...
i so much wanted to go up to ya..tap on ur shoulder and say "dun worry...everything will be fine.."
but i can't.....
but whatever it is....there is no more chance anymore....
everythig will be so much different next year....sigh.
many words are left unsaid....
and it is still questionable if there is a chance to.....
everything is a big question mark now.....
what is my next step.....what is it.......

Words that are left unsaid....
Tears that fall in the dark....
Heart that aches silently in you....
A mind that craves for you....
An empty soul....just an empty casing....
Waiting for the one....
the only one that makes life fulfiling....
the one that makes every suffering worthwhile....
makes every pain inflicted endurable......

The one....is you...

well..just had my training today....kind of got scolded by miss smith for the poor attendance...for the guys...and even for the girls??yup....but well....i just have to cover all their asses for them...thinking of all sorts of excuses for them...she was even thinking of disbanding the whole recre girls team?? i told her its rather unfair.....some of them...if not a big number of them have been very consistant in their attendance....i hope pple will start taking volleyball seriously.....

so....something just occured to me...

No one can ever know what is going to happen in the future....in another words...anything can happen.... the most u can do is to assume what is going to happen...but assumption only contain 50 % of the real fact...the other 50% lies in uncertainty. But alot of pple..will just take assumption as the truth....as what they always say.."learning from history". However....not everything can be learn from history....especially stuff that is ever changing.....like emotion....weather.....and stuff of that sort.... whatever stuff that that occur before...doesnt mean it will occur again?? get what i mean??? but its always the fear of WHAT IF it happen again?? WHAT IF its like this?? WHAT IF its like that??? but what about WHAT IF ITS NOT???? Anyone thought about that??? i doubt so....this is the reason why alot of pple is unable to persue their dreams...they are tied down by the WHAT IF factor....

i thnk this is rather sad....sometimes...even myself is tied down but the WHAT IF stupid thing instead of thinking of WHAT IF ITS NOT....it made me lose alot of things.....failed alot of things....and most importantly...made me regret...... but well...this time...it is going to be WHAT IF ITS NOT.....i will just going to do whatever i can....and whatever i feel its rite....yup.......wish me luck.......

hmmm...ok...ya...hmmm...so...how am i goin to start this....hmmm...ok....hmmm...

today...weird day...didnt really started off well...was rather worried.....don't ask me about what anyway....went down to the office to check the board for the sup papers takers....its like...the 4th to 5th i actually check the board?? too my disappointment...nothing new...but i'm still hoping and praying......faith..... den the same all rubbish went thru my head for the whole day.... den blah blah blah....and of course....during the course of the day significant stuff happened...but i don't how to start...and anyway......nvm..just forget about it...

**hmmm...i'm just disturbed.....i just keep on thinking...why can't i talk to you when pple are around?? why is the atmosphere around us always so tense when we arent alone? i really wonder why..... is it just me?? or do you sense it too? weird feeling huh?? yup...rather weird...but well...i'm just as contented when i see u smiling happily with ur friends.....its a great feeling to have so many frens around you when u need help isnt it? i never really experience that before...but well...now that i had a few around me...yup... then it really send me thinking....with all ur frens around... do you still need me there?? is my presence important to u as much as urs that is important to me??? don't know the answer.....really dunno?? but anyway....i'm prepare to give all out this time....yup.....all the way?? no holding back.........faith......faith......

So......how am i supposed to feel now?? i really don't know...there is a very big question mark in my head....everything seems so unclear.....maybe its rather obvious? maybe i just in denial mode.....this is one of the few times i actually refused to believe whatever my heart and brain feels that is the truth, which is the fact.

i dont dare to think...i don't dare to... i'm really afraid to? i can't help it....the stupid brain of me.....its thinking of all the possiblities....and the negatives ones out weighs the positives one......"dont worry" yea i know...don't worry...cause worrying doesnt get you anywhere...but i really don't know what else to do?? i really don't know.....the reason why i couldnt ask you the question again...is because i'm afraid of the answer...the otherwise answer.....

maybe u had seen a clearer light now....maybe everything has been sought out in ur head.....in mine...its quite clear what i wan....but i'm just not confident in getting it....i don;t know how am i going to get it..........

it feels so irritating to be so pessimistic.....it doesnt feel good to observe too much...to be over sensitive...to interprete pple's action ur own way.....

whatever is meant to be....will be.....
and whatever that is not.....u just got to find some way to accept the fact.....
the thing is never let urself down....i'm going to do my best.....if things arent going to work out the way i wish it to be.....
den i will just have to take it like a man......failure is one of my best friend now anyway....i should be use to it...

Faith is whatever that is motivating me now......Faith....yes...lets just have Faith....

**I never regret falling for ya.....

stupid me with stupid thoughts....

lets just have faith....

Received a email from a dear fren of mine.....below is a small part which i think is rather meaningful....

Things Guys Want Girls To Know!!

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't
have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice
if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans
sometimes.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we
believe you.
30.We know you're not always right, but we'll
pretend like you are anyway.

**there are alot of things that i wanna tell u....i wanna ask u...but i just dunno where to start from....sigh.....i might be getting pessimistic as usual......over sensitive...and too paraniod.....

4.08 am......i got to reach sji by 7.30 am tomolo...which is 3+ hours from now.....hmmmm...i just cant sleep....alot of things is going through my mind....alot......so much that i dont even know what are those things...

alot of pple has been asking me wats wrong with me...but well...i'm ok...perfectly fine...so dun worry so much... something is just disturbing me......but i just dunno what...well anyway....it will be over soon...i hope...

**Well well.....u never fail to appear in my head~~e feeling is getting stronger each day...how about urs? is it e same as mine? or is it fading away? hmmm....nvm....u have more serious stuff to think of now anyway.....i hope all this will be over soon.....a nite mare got to end eventually.....but whatever it is....i'll be by ur side....whenever u need me, i'll be there ok??=)i'll pray for ya.....