i need money money money money~
big money!!!

sibei suay...fucking suay today..ahhhh...

I can't remember anything         
can't tell if this is true or dream
deep down inside I feel to scream   
this terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me,
I'm waking up I can not see
that there's not much lef to to me.  
Nothing is real but pain now!
Hold my breath as I  wish for death
Oh,please God  wake me!
Back in the womb it's much to real in pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal   look to the time when I'll live
Fed thourgh the tube that sticks in me    just like a wartime novelty
tied to machines that make me be   cut this life off   from me
Dark-ness   imprisoning me  
all that I see  absolute  hor-ror I can-not live I can-not die
Trapped in my-self body my holding cell!
Land-mine  has taken my sight 
taken my speech taken my  hear-ing 
Taken my  arms taken my legs
taken my soul left me with life in HELL!

Metallica -- One

just finished reading the book borrowed from sheena~
"5 pple u meet in heaven"
very nice and meaningful book~
sends me thinking, so many things that happened,
we often ask "how come" instead of asking "why"
the book got its own explaination to all still things,
everything is inter-link, life is full of sacrifics~
u lose certain things so that other can gain it..
more like...transferring of ownership
everything happen for a reason i guess~
it just depends on if u can "see" the reason or not.

facts are facts.
no one can ever change it.
when there is a starting, there will be an ending
people are more interested in complaining and whining and bearing grudges and blaming everyone and everything for their own mishap instead of thinkin of come things are like that and how are they going to prevent this from happening.
it seems like everything and everyone is in the wrong except them.
things happen when u least expected it...

k~ all rubbish~

quiksilver beach volley was yesterday..at sentosa
total trashing man..dunno why also..
and i feel we didnt play that bad..just a few errors here and there..
the opponents arent that good either?
but well..
just lost la..
kinda disappointed..
but what to do?
there is no next yr also~
well well...
too bad..
volleyball might just end there.
 
the beach was great anyway..
was planning of getting a tan...
but no one seems to have the tanning lotion.
sophie claims that she has one..but its in a combination of sunblock lotion.
i dunno how sunblock and suntan can coexist...
but it definately have no effect at all...
my shoulders and face were burnt....
but well..its a great way to relax too~
after so many things that had happen over the past months~
the water and the wind is nice~
although not much babe to see..
but still not bad la...
haha...
 
going to be one month soon!
haha...
rather exciting...
cause i dunno what i going to do..haha...
 
captain post has been passed down!
a burden off for me!
haha..
no more going to Ms smith to talk about vball...
no longer need to worry about whats happening with vball
and blah blah blah..
now its all on shamus~ the new cap~
he's a not bad guy..
but still have lots to learn...
a lot to learn...haha..
 
think i got to start mugging already.
dun wanna get like...F F F for prelims??
i wan to pass all!!
i really wan to!
haha..but for mid yr i only manage to pass 1!
ok..plus GP..maybe 2 la...
 
i'm so bored la...
i'm going to start studying tmr!
yes i am..
and i will...
i hope?
 
later~~
 
 

extracted from email.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
>Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
>Saying nothing and wishing you had?
>
>I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
>
>If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
>
>
>Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person(friendship)?
>
>Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
>You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
>
>Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
>
>Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
>
>Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
>
>We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
>don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
>
>But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
>
>Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
>
>Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.
>
>* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
>
>*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
>
>*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)
>
>*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
>
>*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?*
>

hey...
how are you?
you left this morning without telling me...
without even saying good bye...
maybe u tried..
but i didnt take notice of it....
i'm so sorry.....

sorry that i have been neglecting u for the past few months...
i'm really sorry...i really am...

for the whole 1 year plus...
u have brought me nothing but happiness....
u have become part of my family...
u are one of us...
i always considered u a friend of mine...
but i'm so sorry....really sorry...

i will never forget those memories u left for us....
how u always hop around...
the way u look at me....
the way u eat...drink..
and of course the u sleep...
which never failed to amuse me...
i'm really sorry...

the first time i saw u...
that was last yr...
u are such a cutie..
with big eyes...
soft fur....
and u are over wt...haha...
i fall in love with u immediately...
den i bring u home...and u were sleeping in my room for a few days..just beside my bed..
do u still remember that?
u are tugged neatly within my cjc tie...
the way u sleep..
its so peaceful...
i'm sorry...

den finally i got u a proper place to sleep
a proper house for u.
u begin running all over the place...
rolling everywhere..
and u even woke me up at least...twice in a week..in the middle of the nite
with the noisy squeaking sound of the wheel that u are running on...
and whenever i go and look at u..
u will stop and look at me..
with ur 2 little eyes...
so cute....
the way u sleep...
haha...so cute...with 4 legs pointing up towards the sky
showing ur dirty yellowish 2 front teeth..
which u always use to nibble my finger..
hehz..
den when i tickle ur stomach...
u are so lazy that u didnt even wan move...
all u did was just to look at me..
with ur 2 front legs holding on to my index finger...
lazy boy..
den when i give u ur melon seed...
u can just lay down liddat to eat la...
haha....damn lazy eh u..
same goes to drinking...upside down too!
haha..
i still remember the time whereby u crawl into the toilet roll..
den when i was waiting for u to reappear the other side...
all i can see is just u flipping in the toilet roll..
and crawling out with ur back!
haha..i guess u really like to sleep liddat eh?
hehz...
........

but u can be mean at times la...
remember that time when i talk to u?
u were sleeping anyway...
den when i was talking..u wake up
look at me for a few seconds...
den walk to the other corner of the cage and den continue sleeping!
wah lau..should call u meanie rite from the start...
not minnie..
minnie....

but since half a year ago...
u started getting thinner....
i got so worried..
brought u to a vet..
and the stupid doctor didnt even say anything...
damn her....

thinner and thinner u grew....
with ur hair dropping day by day...
it hurts me just to see u liddat...seriously...
its only den i figured it out....
age is catching up on u yea?
weaker and weaker u got....
the once fluffy and fat minnie...
turns to a thin little hamster...
when i hold u in my palm...
u are so thin....i can feel ur bone thru those wrinkled furless skin...
thats one reason why i dont wan to see u..
i'm really sorry....

but now u are gone...
u went to a better place..
i'm happy for ya..really...
a place where by u can roam freely....
healthy...hopping around..rolling about...
a place whereby u will have plenty to eat...
u will never be hungry anymore..
u will never feel hurt anymore...

i will never forget ya..
u will be missed by everyone...
everyone in the family....that i promised u...
rest in peace Minnie...
luv ya....
i'm really sorry....

I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THE MONEY EVEN IF U GIVE IT TO ME!I DONT NEED YOUR MONEY!
FUCK IT!

people should always honour their words...
especially promises...
especially ADULTS...
and especially PARENTS.

If u have no intention of fulfilling them,
or no confident in doing it...
den DUN promise anything...

i'm disappointed.....

i love you~
*wink*

respect them,
honour them,
support them.
Never ignore them.

The plans might seem wild,
ostentatious,
unrealistic,
and childish.
Yet, at the same time,
it is not your place to judge.

When you accept a new person into your world
you need to accept him or her completely
- not just accept certain parts,
and expect the rest of that person to dissolve away.
Overall you will find that the more you accept others,
they more they will accept you - all of you.

You will never be truly happy unless you are with someone who gives you the attention that you deserve.

So always be sensitive to their actions,
emotions
behaviour
attitude.
And always ask if u are in doubt.
its better to ask and sounds stupid
then to act and be stupid.

i'm feelin insecure.
when i guess i'm not supposed to..
but what can i do.

A man
not blessed with looks
nor other physical assets.
How secure can he feels.
u tell me..

i dun like this feeling.
i really dun.

not that i have no faith in u.
i have no faith in myself.

In love,
getting hurt is inevitable, its just part of a process of love..
its to make u treasure the one u love even more.
So those who say "I'm afraid of getting hurt again.." or "i had bad experiences before..." or "All guys/girls are jerks becaues i was hurt by one before."
Com'on..face it...there if comfirm "hurt" in love...so? afraid of being hurt? den are u not going to love again? instead of taking it as hurt...take it as a new experience for ya..something that u can learn from...and dun make the same mistakes again....but always remember to give the other party a benefit of doubt.

How about bad experiences before?
Com'on....every experience is a different experience...we are talking about relationship leh...even if u are going to date this person whom u dated yrs back..its still goin to be a brand new relationship rite? cause pple change...so its rather not fair...to think that this relationship might end up like the previous one....esp when u are hurt terribly...and den go reject the other party..not fair rite? if u are the one being rejected for this reason...u think its fair to u? i think not.

All guys are jerks/bastard.
Familiar?
haha..of course..i hear it all the time
i even use it before...
but think again....there are still good ones around...
no one is a forever jerk or bastard la...
thats the truth..
they will turn good one day..
for some reason...
why not u be the reason?
but this is out of pt anyway...haha

so, dun be afraid of getting hurt..seriously....
cause when u meet the ONE....all these wounds will suddenly disappear....
but if u keep on thinking of them...instead of learning from them..ah...den forget it la...go love a hamster or something...they wun hurt...they only bite. Humans arent ur cup of tea...i'm serious!

MATURE relationship is all about compromising...not giving in...
know what u want..know what the other party wans..
work things out...
dun start a quarrel knowing its ur fault..and not apologizing after that...its damn idiotic.....

"i want myself to still maintain the kind of free life that i'm leading, like, the freedom to do what i want, to know who i want to know, to say the things i feel, to feel great about myself and the ppl around me"

it can happen...but of course u need to alter abit...like the freedom to do what u want...cause ur actions not only affects u now..also affects the other party...other den that...i think the rest all can happen!!

anyway...u all might not know what i am talking about...but nevermind...i talk rubbish sometimes..so..all these are just rubbish la...hahaha...

i'm tired..damn tired...
i'm seriously lacking of sleep...
i'm like a zombie now whenever i reach home...

anyway,today is my first offical date with her
haha..yea first official one..with no interferrence by anyone at anytime..
haha..
after last my last paper,follow emz go cut her at De summer~
den met my dearie for our date..
haha..
spiderman2 wasnt fantastic...
to me..it sux actually...
not much actions..
more into the relationship between parker and mj and his auntie...
so i think its rather stupid...
waste time..waste money...
and its damn draggy...

so thats the movie..
den after that was dinner time...dun even know where to eat..
den walk her walk there..
den she dragged me to food court at suntec~
the western food there sux...pls dun go..
after that tour around suntec, go courts look at all the furniture
haha...rather bo liao..but its fun anyway..

ok den we took a 1hr near to 2 hr bus rides home...
even though we can take a 1 hr train ride..
haha..but its still early i supposed...so bus ride..
ok enough of this..just reached home anyway..

anyway my doubts are all cleared...haha..i know what i'm going to do..
i know what i wan now....
better to regret doing than to regret not doing...yup...
luv ya..

hope tonite soccer can hit jackpot...
i need my guitar soon...
so i can put the rest into my lau po ben...haha...
later~